


The Difference Between I Need You and I Need You (is more subtle than Dean thinks)

by pherryt



Series: Supernatural CODA Collection [12]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: 13.14 CODA, Feelings, First Kiss, Guilt, Happy Ending, I can't stress that enough, M/M, Talking, actual communication, but with good results, low self worth, moosus interuptus, season 13
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-03
Updated: 2018-03-03
Packaged: 2019-03-26 08:43:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,769
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13854153
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pherryt/pseuds/pherryt
Summary: Dean finally realizes that he and Casreallyneed to talk, cause maybe - just maybe - it wasn't Cas using words wrong.





	The Difference Between I Need You and I Need You (is more subtle than Dean thinks)

**Author's Note:**

> I posted this earlier today on tumblr - than ran off to work. Now I'm finally home so I'm sharing it all with you.

 

Dean watched Cas’s body language and cringed. _No. No, no, no…_ this is not how things should be going – why couldn’t he just be upfront and honest? This was his fault.

This was _all_ his fault.

Dean’s own words echoed back at him through Cas’s lips.

“Whatever it takes.”

_God fucking dammit._

Cas looked miserable. Determined but miserable. Convinced that this was what he had to do, that _this_ must be what he’d been brought back for – _because Dean was still too chickenshit to tell him, to tell Cas, what the angel really meant to Dean._

This couldn’t end well.

Dean remembered all too clearly the fight with Rafael. The lengths Cas was willing to go to. What he’d turned into.

All to protect humanity.

At least this time, Dean was by his side. At least this time, Dean knew the score. Cas didn’t have to bear this alone. Maybe he could… could what? Keep him from diving off the deep end? Maybe it was too late for that, Dean wasn’t sure.

Cas had gotten exactly what Dean and Sam had wanted. Had refrained from killing Donatello just like they’d insisted upon but his method didn’t sit easy in Dean’s stomach.

Aside from what he did and what it had resulted in – as angry as he was, Dean couldn’t help but feel a sick relief that Donatello could pose no further danger to anyone - Dean could see how much it hurt Cas.

He could see how Cas was refusing to acknowledge the hurt he’d done to himself by doing it.

It was like Dean and the torture. He shivered, the memories of Alastair too bright in his mind. How many damn years later, and the nightmares still troubled him? The things Dean has done in order to fight a war that was too big for him.

He knew the position Cas was in. That didn’t mean Dean had to like it. Didn’t mean he couldn’t try to find a different way for them all.

The only good thing about this was that they _did_ have the spell, and that by getting it, Sam wasn’t about to give up. But Dean could see even Sam was uneasy about the _how_.

Cas hesitated, _visibly hesitated_ – long gone were the days of the stoic angel who appeared as an unmovable, all knowing force (even when he was completely in the dark and uncertain of what to do, Dean had learned later) – and swallowed, his eyes darting away before he turned and walked slowly out of the room.

Cas was no longer the soldiers he had been trained to be, that he insisted he was. Cas was more than that. _Dean_ was more than that. They’d made this journey together, and to see Cas falling back into a role he never fit in before and sure as hell didn’t fit into now…

Dean glanced at Sam and Sam made a ‘go after him’ face and Dean nodded.

Cas wasn’t in the hall when Dean stepped through the doorway. His feet took him down the stretching corridor and stopped in front of Cas’s closed door. Biting his lip, he raised his fist to knock -

No, it wasn’t closed. It was cracked open, almost an invitation.

He took it, quietly pushing it open to find Cas just sitting on the bed, his head bowed and staring at nothing as his body shook.

He looked so small and lost. So… vulnerable. It was breaking Dean’s heart even as his eyes widened in alarm. “Cas? You okay, man?”

Cas’s head shot up and Dean gulped at the raw pain trapped behind his eyes before the angel masked it, stilled his shaking and nodded.

“I’m fine, Dean.”

“Yeah, like hell you are.” Dean stepped inside the room and closed the door behind him gently but firmly. “We really need to talk.”

“There’s nothing further to be said,” Cas said firmly, standing.

“Yeah, I don’t think so.” Dean joined him at the bed. “Look, Cas. This isn’t you. Not anymore. You _were_ a soldier once. Just like I was. We were both dad’s obedient little soldiers. And we both have grown. You can’t go down this road again.”

“I have no choice. This is what I am meant to do. What I was literally created for. What I was brought back from death for – _again!_ ” Cas said, his words colored in defeat, his shoulders slumping.

“But it’s not, man,” Dean said, swallowing. He’s gonna do this. He’s gonna ‘fess up. Make sure Cas knows his worth is more than a fighting machine.

“You told me so yourself, Dean.”

“And I was wrong! And – and maybe a little scared,” Dean ducked his gaze down and rubbed at the back of his neck.

Cas’s head tilted as he stared at Dean quizzically. “Scared?”

“Yeah,” Dean let out a breath. “Look, you do know that when I say I need you… I don’t mean for some cosmic fight, right? I mean, sure, it’s always good to have someone you trust to guard your back. But it’s more than that. You mean way more than that to me. To Sam too, but especially me. I ain’t lying when I say you’re family, that I need you but… but I _need_ you.”

“I don’t understand,” Cas said into the pause. “You’ve said that before.”

Dean took a step closer. “I don’t need you here to be a soldier. I _need_ you like… like I need air to breathe. When you were gone, Cas… I wasn’t missing my fighting buddy. I was missing my will to live. I, quite literally, _need_ you.”

Cas let out a gasp, his eyes flooding with understanding.

Pulling in a breath, Dean kept going, forging on with choked words but afraid to let go of his momentum now that he’d found it. “And I don’t wanna lose you again. I can’t do it. I don’t think I could survive it – I almost didn’t, Cas. I almost let myself go. Hell, I practically _begged_ Billie to take me.”

Cas made a broken sound and his hand reached for Dean. 

Dean closed his eyes and took comfort from the warm touch, but didn’t let himself stop. “We can still fight, but we can fight _together_ and we can do it on _our_ terms. Don’t let them dictate this war. We’ve always done better going of script. Let’s do that again. You, me, Sam.”

“Because we’re better together,” Cas said softly.

“Exactly, Cas,” Dean said just as softly. “And I just want all this shit to be over, so you and me can finally sit down and just… be us, whatever us is.”

“I love you, Dean. I would do anything to keep you safe,” Cas said.

Dean gulped and nodded. “Same, Cas. But… let’s just promise each other that we’ll do it without compromising ourselves. I don’t want to become a monster again and I don’t want you to either.” Dean shuddered, thinking of Hell, of torture and Alastair. Of thinking of Cas with God Power and the Leviathans.

“I don’t know if I can,” Cas shuddered, the mask on his face falling open, letting Dean see the fear and despair there.

“Then let me help you, and you can help me, okay?” Dean said, finally pulling Cas’s shaking body into his. Cas’s arms went eagerly around Dean, clutching at him like a lifeline. They sank together onto the bed, still embraced. Dean only realizing then that he was shaking too, all their pent up and raw emotions tumbling together.

He gave a shaky laugh. “God, the two of us are a mess.”

Cas didn’t answer but his hair brushed over Dean’s cheek as he nodded. Dean’s hand reached up to cradle the back of Cas’s head, threading through the messy strands of hair. They were softer then they looked and his fingers tingled at the touch.

“I’m scared, Dean,” Cas said it so softly, Dean would never have heard it, if they hadn’t been so close to each other. “I’m an angel of the lord – soldier or otherwise, I shouldn’t be so _scared_.”

“Yeah, well, newsflash. I’m scared all the time.”

“How do you deal with it?” Cas asked.

Dean shrugged. “Beer? Bacon? I don’t really know that I do. But… I feel better when you’re around.”

Cas gulped – Dean could feel his throat moving against his skin – and spoke, “I… yes, I do too, when you’re around. It helps, somehow. I don’t understand.”

“What’s there to understand? We’ll be there for each other. Support and comfort. In sickness and in health. The usual.” Dean blinked at his words but let them slide. It wasn’t as if he didn’t mean them, because he did. Every single one of them.

“So… does this mean I have a brother in law now?” Sam’s voice behind them made them jump – but not apart, Dean was glad to note.

Together, they turned to stare at Sam leaning on the doorframe. Dean glared for the interruption and Sam shrugged. “Hey, I knocked. And I’m just as concerned about Cas. Okay, maybe _not_ in the same _way_ but, uh, yeah. So, that almost sounded like wedding vows there, Dean. You finally man up and confess? Cause, seriously, it was about time.”

Sam pushed away from the door but hovered a moment longer. “Cas, remember, you’re not alone. We might not have powers, but we’ve always been there for each other. You _are_ family and we need you here. For _you_ , not for your ‘muscle’. You have worth, man, okay? Dean and me, maybe we’ve been shit at showing you that, but it’s true. You mean a lot to us. We’d like you to stick around, and come to us if _you_ need anything. Got it?”

Cas nodded. “Yes, thank you, Sam.”

“Good,” Sam said, knocking on the doorframe as he left, leaving Cas and Dean alone once more.

“I meant it, you know. I wasn’t thinking of it like that when I said it, but Sam ain’t wrong. I’ve felt that way for a while, I just… didn’t think _I_ was worthy of _you_ ,” Dean said softly.

Cas pulled away to look at Dean. “Of course, you are. You’re worth everything to me.”

Dean chuckled. “Yeah, I think I’m beginning to get that. Just, just so you know, same is true for you.”

“Thank you, Dean.” Cas said solemnly. After a few minutes of staring into each other’s eyes with no other words spoken, Cas leaned in a little closer. “Does this mean we kiss now?”

 

**Bonus Scene:**

Cas abruptly broke away from Dean.  
  
"Wait... Billie's alive?"

 

 


End file.
